JUANA SUMMERS, HOST:
About 10% of all U.S. adults say they're caregivers for a parent age 65 or over. And for those with a complicated, fraught or even abusive parent-child relationship, it can be especially tough to navigate elder care for someone who didn't take great care of you. Brittany Luse is the host of NPR's It's Been A Minute. And every so often, we bring her onto the show to unpack some surprising trends in culture. And today, she's here to talk with us about the fraught emotions that can come with looking after our aging loved ones. Hey, Brittany.
BRITTANY LUSE, BYLINE: Hey, Juana.
SUMMERS: I have to say, this is something that comes up in a lot of my conversations with my friend group. It seems like the elder care stage is just presenting tons of new challenges for some families.
LUSE: Well, yeah. I mean, in order to understand our current moment, we first got to understand how parent-child relationships have changed in the past few decades. Here's adjunct professor at Northwestern University and clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon.
ALEXANDRA SOLOMON: I think what's so interesting is that we are living in a cultural moment right now where I think there are two equally strong competing cultural narratives. One is that traditional duty narrative of honor thy mother and thy father. And the other is this very modern narrative where the family system is much more democratic than it used to be, and family systems are much more individualistic.
LUSE: Taking care of a beloved parent can feel like a privilege, and it can be an expression of affection. But supporting a parent who treated you terribly can bring up a lot of emotions for adult children, not to mention a lot of stress. And that's on top of the logistics of doctors' appointments, medical bills and medication schedules.
SUMMERS: Yeah, I mean, that's just a lot to unpack there. For folks with these difficult parental relationships who may now be finding ourselves in a caregiving role, how should we approach this from an emotional standpoint?
LUSE: Well, one of the biggest things our experts recommended was thinking about caring for your parent not out of a sense of duty to them or owing them something, but as a way of staying true to your own principles. Here's Solomon again.
SOLOMON: You know, the thing we know to be true, whether we're talking about politics or family systems, is that, like, 180 degrees doesn't tend to be the answer, right? So then doing to parents what was done to us doesn't tend to be the answer. And it leaves, then, the adult child you know, in that awful spot of being, again, too powerful. So I think the middle path is, how - is for the adult child who had, you know, an inadequate parent, for the adult child to say, how do I want to show up, not in reaction to how I was treated, but in reaction to my own understanding of my values and my boundaries and my integrity?
SUMMERS: That's an interesting way to think about it. Brittany, I wonder, what about the perspective of parents? How should they be thinking about all of this?
LUSE: Well, both Solomon and Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax were quick to acknowledge that we live in an ageist society that makes it difficult to feel good about getting older. Hax also had a bit of a truth nuke for parents who need support but feel abandoned by their adult children.
CAROLYN HAX: Oh, they're probably not going to like this. I think the...
LUSE: Ooh. Shake the table.
HAX: Yeah. I think these feelings of, oh, poor me are some of the least constructive ones we have in our menu. I think it's so easy if you're just thinking about your immediate. I mean, the idea of systems is also applicable within yourself. And you can say, well, I'm feeling like nobody's caring for me. But have you put yourself in everybody else's shoes?
Like, all the people in your family probably have 40 different things that they're trying to balance. And you're poor-meing yourself into this - into probably ruining those relationships. You can also say, OK, the care situation in this country and the care situation in my home and in my family right now is not ideal for me. So what's my Plan B? If you go in that direction, you have a good chance of setting up a care situation and keeping - preserving the relationships with your family.
SUMMERS: OK, that is quite the truth bomb there.
LUSE: Yeah. And Solomon also shared some insight from a colleague of hers.
SOLOMON: She's, you know, 81. And she said, what I'm learning about being an elder is that I'm a sacred witness. I can't keep up with the flow of conversation in my family, but I can sit there and be really present. And so that's become, for her, the heart of what it means for her to be an 81-year-old elder in her family system, is she's a witness.
SUMMERS: And, Brittany, I have to say, I've been involved in caregiving for an older loved one. And I've also reported on caregiving. And the biggest thing I take away is that every day looks different, the need looks different. Sometimes what she's saying there, that being present, that being a witness, is the best thing you can do for someone.
LUSE: I just want to mention one more thing before I go, Juana. Something that both experts agreed on was that as much as the solutions they're recommending can be helpful on an individual level, they're really more of a Band-Aid for America's frayed social safety net. What most people want is for their family members to age in a safe and dignified environment, even if their relationships with those family members aren't all sunshine and rainbows. But without structural shifts in how we care for all American seniors, those unsatisfying options will probably remain.
SUMMERS: Brittany, thanks so much for sharing all of this with me.
LUSE: Thank you.
SUMMERS: That was Brittany Luse. She's the host of NPR's It's Been A Minute. That's a show about what's going on in culture.
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